Thanksgiving

So as thanksgiving approaches again, I have been thinking about being thankful. Of course the obvious things to be thankful for pops into my mind- family, friends, health, and hundreds of other things; but if I could only pick one thing what would it be? I finally decided I am very thankful for the life I have (you could argue that is not one thing, but it does fit in one sentence). My life is not exactly what I wanted or planned. I can think of many things that I wish were different. But when I look around me, I don't see anyone living a dream life that they planned. I see a lot of people living the life they have been dealt. Some of those people are bitter and unhappy because they didn't get their way. Others have chosen to make the best of things and be content with where they are at and what they are doing. I think most of us waver between both extremes. My goal for this thanksgiving season is to remember the many blessings I have, realize that nobody's life is perfect, focus on what is right instead of what is wrong, and trust God knows what he is doing. I know for sure if I could choose a different life; I wouldn't risk the things I love about my life for the unknown.
Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Rest, Wait, and Enjoy

On the heels of a truly excruciatingly difficult summer, I have been trying to make decisions and plans for what to do next. This summer was a particularly difficult time period for Josh and Ashley - medically and emotionally. The last few months we have been living in an almost constant "let's just get through today" mode. Things seemed to have evened out and everyone is doing pretty well now. School has started back up, I'm trying to decide what is the best way for me to use my time. We are also discussing some important family decisions. I was beginning to feel stressed and unproductive, but after a lot of prayer, I have come to two conclusions.
The first is I don't have to make any important decisions today. I am choosing to follow the advice of Psalm 37:7, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him." I know he will reveal all the answers to me in his own time. I just need to wait. Waiting is usually not easy for me, but I am enjoying the pressure it takes off of today.
The second conclusion I have come to is to choose to be content where I am today. Philippians 4:11-13 tells us to learn to be content in every situation - good or bad- knowing that we can endure anything and everything because Christ will give us strength (if we choose to take it). So for today, I will ask Christ to give me strength and just be grateful that I know what to do. It is actually a very simple plan. I will rest, wait patiently, and be content each day until more is revealed to me. I already feel my anxiety lessening.

June

June is always the most chaotic month for us every year. Between all the activities the kids are in and driving them every where, everything else seems to get put on the back burner. This month has been particularly hard because Josh and Ashley have been struggling with their issues and medications have gotten them out of sorts. Hailey is the only one really happy and that is because she is having an excellent year in swimming. She is a little stressed because she very badly wants to be swimmer of the year and it is a close competition. We keep having discussions about how her real goal needs to be to glorify God in all she does, hopefully she will keep that in mind if things do not go her way. Our verse for the month has been 1 Corinthians 10:31 - Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. I have asked more times than I can count: Did your actions glorify God? Hailey was not sure if God really cared about swimming, but realized he did care about her attitude not only when she loses, but also when she wins. I have asked all three of the kids (and myself) more times than I can count: Did your actions glorify God? Sometimes we can say yes and other times we know we have to make some changes. Hopefully the exhaustion of June will give way to a more restful and peaceful July!

Josh Defends A Child With Autism

The other day when Josh was at school he discovered a group of children making fun of a boy with autism. The boy's pants had fallen down and the other kids were laughing at him. Josh immediately told all the kids that the boy had autism and that autistic people don't always understand things like pulling up their pants. His lecture ended something like: he is like my sister and I better never catch you making fun of my sister. They promised they wouldn't. There are times it makes me sad that my children are so painfully aware of autism and people making fun. But times like that, it makes me proud that they are so aware and have the courage to stand up for what is right. As much as I would love to take the pain away, I wouldn't want to take the empathy it has created away.

Anniversary Thoughts

This year my husband and I have been married 13 years. We actually lived together for 3 years before that and part of me wants credit for those years- we put a lot of effort into them. They were probably harder than the first couple of years of marriage. But I guess to have them count we should have just gotten married, that was a different lifetime ago. In some ways it seems like it has been a really long time, but in other ways the years have gone very quickly. Life hasn't turned out quite the way I planned. God has added his own little twists to keep me from getting bored, I guess. I planned to be a stay at home mom, but I thought I would have "normal" kids and eventually go back to work. Now I know everyone thinks their kids are abnormal, but I have been around a lot of kids and mine really are - I have doctors who agree with me. I never thought I would live in a little town, home school, or deal with the many issues that came with my kids. All in all I love my life, my family, and I would do it all again. I married a wonderful man and we have created an interesting family. I look forward to many more years of marriage and a whole lot more stories to tell.

Life is a Journey not a Destination

I am a very goal oriented person. I set a goal and I reach it and then I set a new goal and I reach it. That is how I have lived my whole life. I wanted to graduate college, get married, get a job, have children, etc. I have done all those things, acheiving each goal with single minded purpose. I have had more than one person say, "stop and smell the roses" "enjoy life, have some fun". I know it is good to be organized and have goals, but I also know I should enjoy life more and have fun. Instead of seeing the fun as getting in the way of achieving the goal, I need to see it as part of achieving the goal and as part of being a person. Many important things in life cannot be summed up in a goal. Loving your children and forming relationships with other people aren't goals. But those things are much more important than many of the goals I set for myself. The Bible tells us to live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. I'm trying to make that my new "goal".

Ashley's Education

Sometimes it feels as if things just won't go right for Ashley. Her education has been a mess from the very beginning. She started in school at the age of 3. She was placed in a preschool program that was not capable of meeting her needs. Although the teacher was very sweet and knowledgeable, she was overwhelmed with several highly disabled children entering her classroom at the same time. It would be difficult for anyone to meet those needs. Three months later she received her official autism diagnosis and I discovered that she was getting no individual speech therapy and was usually being removed from the classroom because she was so disruptive. So the special education department and I came up with a new plan. A program was established just for Ashley. She was in her own classroom with her own teacher 5 days a week and we continued the same program at home on weekends. We hired and trained a woman to work with us at home. The teachers and I had planning sessions and made sure we stayed on the same page. Ashley made tremendous progress during this time. They even agreed to the same schedule during the summer. The following year her teacher had to split her time between Ashley and another school. So Ashley worked with two paras under the guidance of this teacher. It wasn't ideal but it worked. The only complaint I really had during this time period was that an uninformed OT made a decision to put a splint on her hand. It was an effort to make Ashley stop biting her own hand and it was not discussed with us. Unfortunately she had it on for 2 school days before I discovered it and had it removed. This was just enough time to teach her to bang her head. A behavior she didn't have before the splint, but has done every day since then. To this day she bangs her head and bites herself. The next school year several other students were identified with autism, so Ashley's program became the autism program. They moved her teacher to the other school full-time and brought in a new teacher certified in autism and pre-school. From the beginning we struggled with this teacher, although she was an expert in autism, she was very frustrated by Ashley. They made all sorts of changes to Ashley's program and Ashley did not respond well. At this same time Ashley received a new speech therapist who was also having problems with her. Jason and I began to discuss home schooling, but decided we would give it a try over the summer. In April of that school year we discovered the teacher was withholding Ashley's lunch as punishment. We immediately pulled her out of school and put all our energy into home schooling her. At this time, she was six years old. I don't know what else was going on at the school, but Ashley was so traumatized she would start crying if we just drove in the direction of the school. We continued to receive speech therapy from the school for the next two years, but Ashley was making no progress and the therapist told us she had no idea of what to do. At that point we pulled her out of speech as well. We started getting speech therapy at the local hospital. At the evaluation, this speech therapist recommended a computerized device. It took almost a year to get it, but was the best decision ever made for Ashley. I had heard that the autism program at the school had improved greatly and had a wonderful new teacher, so this past November we put her back in school. The new teacher was wonderful. She had been running the program for the last couple of years and had excellent ideas. Ashley really took to her and she was very willing to work through the adjustment of going back to school. Everything was going great until six weeks ago when they removed the teacher from the classroom due to allegations. We were not allowed to talk to her and things rapidly spun out of control. The classroom was largely being run by paras. Other people have been coming in and making decisions for our children, even though they don't know them. The kids and parents are all upset and we just want our teacher back. During this time period Ashley's talker worth $7500 has been broken, her IPOD has been stolen, her morning para has been let go. The school has not taken any responsibility for the things that have gone wrong. She is upset and her behaviors have gotten worse. There has been no consistency in her school life. She has been sent home sick. The school told me she was running a fever and I needed to get her and she couldn't come back the next day because she has to go 24 hours without fever. The funny thing is I got her immediately and she did not have a fever or act the slightest bit sick. Now we have been told all allegations against the teacher have been dropped and she will return to this class next year. That doesn't take away the damage the last couple of months have done to Ashley, the other kids, and the teacher. We just want Ashley to be treated with love and receive the best possible education. I think all parents understand how difficult it can be at times to make decisions for our children. That is particularly difficult when you are raising a child with special needs. Bad decisions no matter how small can have lasting consequences. Some decisions are easy: no my child can't play in the street, they can't go places with strangers, etc. But other decisions can be very difficult and we just have to rely on prayer and the wisdom of others.

Our School Experience

It was a difficult decision for us to decide to try public school again. As we come to the end of the school year and I look back - I wonder if it was worth it? I guess it depends on the child. Josh loves school and it was definitely the right choice for him. But still it is not much easier having him in school versus home schooling. I was right in my assumption that he could easily fall through the cracks. The past six months has shown me that I will have to stay very active in his education and be prepared to fight for his needs to be met. But he loves the social aspect and the structured schedule, overall it appears to be the right choice for him. Hailey could go to school or be home schooled, either way she would be fine educationally. The work is very easy for her and she loves all the fun, social aspects. However, she calls me a lot wanting me to bring her forgotten or lost things or because she has a stomachache and wants some medicine. I haven't quite figured out what is going on - whether she really has that many stomach problems, is nervous, or just wants attention. Now Ashley is a whole different story. It is hard to tell if it was the right choice for her because there have been so many internal problems within her classroom that have greatly affected her. We put her into school believing the one on one interaction, time away from me, and the social aspect would be good for her. We were concerned because this program had been a disaster in the past. However, we had heard so many good things about the current teacher we thought it was worth a try. I really do love the teacher and so does Ashley. She has great ideas and Ashley has really responded to her. The problem began when they removed the teacher from the classroom six weeks ago. It has been a disaster ever since! All sorts of unfounded accusations and issues have come to light and she will be out the rest of the year. In my opinion, she is an awesome teacher, who is not getting the respect that she deserves. All of the other parents of the children in this class support this teacher. I think a lot of the issues stem from people having very little understanding of the stress and pressure of running an autism program and how different from other classrooms it is. This is a particularly difficult program because in a 3rd grade class of 54 students, 6 of them have autism. This is an extraordinarily high number of autistic students well above the statistical average. We hear that the allegations against the teacher were unsupported and have been dropped and that she will be back next year. So I guess we will wait until next year to make the decision on whether this is right for Ashley.

Extra Kids for a Weekend

We made a deal with some friends who also have a special needs child that if we watched their kids for a weekend then they would watch ours. It is a perfect trade because it is fair and we all know what we are getting into, for the most part. So we watched their kids a few weeks ago. We had them from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening. All of the kids mine and theirs were very well behaved and there were no major incidents. But it was a stressful weekend! Part of it was self-induced because I spent a lot of time worrying about what could go wrong. Their son and Ashley are very similar, but also very different. He is eighteen months older than Ashley. They both can be very demanding, do crazy things, and have sleep issues. He can speak, but can't use one arm. He is a little more likely to wander off than Ashley and also more particular about food. At our house, he seemed to need more space than Ashley. Not that I can blame him any house with 5 kids is chaotic. We could reason with him a little easier and he would at least answer when we called his name. He did spill a lot more things than we are used to. My husband likened it to changing a workout routine - one isn't harder than the other you're just exercising different muscles. Their daughter was much more easygoing than any of our children have ever thought about being. All and all it went very smoothly and all the kids had a great time. Jason and I get to have our great time when we get our weekend! Hailey did comment that she missed their little girl because it was like having a sister that can talk.

Josh's First Campout and Solo Doctor Visit

Josh and Jason went on a boy scout campout this weekend. First you have to understand we are not a camping family! Taking a lot of time and effort to lug a bunch of stuff to some outdoor place to sleep on the ground in a tent is definitely not my idea of a good time. You add to it three children, all with major sleep issues and one that is severely disabled and it may very well be one of my worst nightmares. Maybe it is because I lived in a tent for a few months when I was a small child. Thank God I married a man that feels the same way. Now before you start lecturing me about how all children need to go camping and that it is some sort of part of growing up that is critical to their well-being, I will tell you we have discussed this and agree to take them camping one time before they leave the house as adults. Hailey and Josh also get to go camping with their grandparents. Even though that doesn't really count because they stay in a camper that is nicer than a lot of people's houses. Anyway, Jason reluctantly took his son on this boy scout campout. It was relatively uneventful other than raining most of the day on them. Josh had an awesome time and Jason agreed to take him every year. Father and son bonding at its best, but it did not change our stance on camping. It makes me thankful I have Ashley as my perfect excuse to stay home. I told Jason that since Ashley is a girl and I have to deal with every public bathroom situation for the foreseeable future; campouts are on him. They even made it through the campout with no major issues which is rare for our family. Josh did get something in his eye at the campfire that caused him some pain the next day. But he didn't tell us, he handled it himself, like every six year old would, I'm sure. He was at Awanas the following evening, his eye was hurting, he happened to see his eye doctor that attends the church where awanas is held. Josh goes to the eye doctor tells him about his issue. When I come to get him, he informs me: "My eye hurts. I talked to Dr. ****. He said give me the same eye drops Dad used when his eye hurt." Wow! I don't know whether to be concerned or impressed at his independence. The eye is much better now.

Ashley and the eggs

So Ashley was quite the handful when she was on the new medication. She was irritable and difficult, lots of self-injury, and evidently bored. She took my herbs and spices, removed the lids, and dumped some on the counter, removed contact paper from my shelf, made a mess in Josh and Hailey's room, but the main event was the eggs. She took a stick of butter and some eggs from the refridgerator. I found shells from the fridge all the way to the trampoline! And raw eggs all over the trampoline and her comforter that happened to be on the trampoline. Fun! Lots of cleaning for me! That night after I gave her a bath, I was talking to her and said, "Ashley we do not play with eggs. That is naughty." Then my non-verbal child said to me "What eggs?" I said "Ashley, I know you got into the eggs!" She said "No". I cannot even remember the last time she spoke to me before this. I didn't know whether to hug her for talking or punish her for lying! I hugged her and told her I knew she was lying.

The Broken Talker

A few weeks ago I go to school to get Ashley at the end of the day and discover a huge problem. Her para hands me her talker and tells me that Ashley smashed it to the ground thirty minutes earlier. I start to panic when I see the seven cracks across the screen and realize it is not working. This is literally been my biggest concern since we got it. It is a computer that costs over $7000. It is the only way she can communicate with us. I immediately grab my phone to call the company for a repair. They are in a different time zone and close earlier in the day. I knew they were close to closing time. The technician I usually work with was already gone for the day, so I talked to someone else. Thankfully, they had loaners available. I paid extra money to have it express mailed to me, but we were going to have to live through the next 48 hours without it. Now I know most people cannot relate to this, but this machine is a critical part of her life. I would liken it to putting tape over your child's mouth for two days and see how pleasant your life is. Except it is not the same because Ashley does not understand and she can't write us notes. I know we have only had it a little over a year, but she is very dependent on it. It has changed her life. Of course, we got her picture pointing book out and I bought her a communication app on her IPOD, but it was still very difficult. This was also when she was reacting so badly to the new medication. I know accidents happen but I had many concerns about this whole situation. First, this is a durable machine. I once dropped it on our garage floor and no damage occurred. So I really struggle with how it got broke. Second, noone called me and told me what happened. I found out when I got to the school. Now I know it was only thirty minutes, but that made the difference in my technician being gone for the day. The next day when I dropped Ashley off at school I asked about what happened again. They say Ashley was standing in line, perfectly happy, and suddenly dropped it onto a carpeted floor. Now I'm not trying to accuse anyone of lying or misrepresenting things, but I do not feel like I got the whole story. Maybe they do not even know the whole story. When I asked why they didn't call me immediately, I was told they didn't have my phone number. I have three children in that school, somebody has my phone number. The principal and coop representatives were very kind and understanding. But the people working with Ashley have taken no responsibility for the situation and just don't seem to get the gravity of it. The next day when I brought the loaner up to Ashley, I told the para that I didn't want Ashley to carry it anymore because we cannot risk it getting broken again and she argued with me. I went back to the principal and the situation was resolved, but I am just not happy how the whole thing has been handled. I know part of the problem is her teacher is not in the classroom right now due to other circumstances. I am positive if she had been there it would have been handled much more appropriately. I understand working in this classroom can be a difficult job and that people make mistakes. But the bottom line is this mistake cost me several hundred dollars, impacted Ashley greatly, and the people responsible for her and thus the talker just didn't seem to get it or care. I just put my kids back into school after several years of home schooling. The reason we chose to homeschool was because of the many mistakes at Ashley's expense and because she was being abused. We felt comfortable putting her back in school because it was a completely different group of people, a wonderful teacher, and the program seemed to be stable. But now I am very concerned about whether the school can really handle my child. The principal and the coop have been very kind and concerned, but can they look out for Ashley's best interest?

Hailey's Bike Accident

So Hailey had an accident on her bike the other day. It wasn't serious, but just one of those weird events. She was riding down to her friend's house and crashed. She flipped over her handlebars and scraped up her knees, elbows, side, and hand pretty good. Luckily, Jason was driving by at that moment and stopped to comfort her. Of course, she still wanted to continue on to her friend's house, so she went there instead of home. Now the funny thing is: her friend lives maybe a block from us. I can see their house from ours! Jason called me and told me the story. I called the friends to make sure she was okay and didn't need to come home. She didn't want to come home; her friend's dad was getting her all bandaged up, after all, he is a doctor (eye doctor, but obviously way more knowledgeable about these things than me). A few minutes later she calls because it is time to come home(she only had 30 minutes to play before this all happened) and now she is too sore to walk or ride home and she wants me to come get her. Of, course, I happen to be home alone with Ashley. So I actually have to get Ashley and all the stuff she deems necessary for the trip, she doesn't know how long we'll be gone, and drive down the road to a house I can see to pick up my minorly injured eight year old. Never a dull moment!

Defining Moments

You often hear people say, "this is the most important day of my life", referring to some occasion, perhaps a wedding, birth of a child, baptism, etc. And while these are all important and memorable events in a lifetime, I think it would be hard to pinpoint the most important day of a lifetime, even at the end of your life. I believe some of the most important days in my life occurred without my even knowing. Possibly, looking back, I realized it later. There are moments or maybe periods of time that are so life altering, that we are completely changed. Our life takes on a new direction that we never anticipated. When we woke up that day we didn't know that something was going to occur that would change us so completely. Maybe when we went to bed that night we still didn't realize that our life had been dramatically impacted. For some people it may take years or the rest of their life for the full impact to take place and for them to realize it. I know one of the most defining moment of my life thus far was when we realized Ashley had autism. I'm not even sure what day it was, but at the moment that we completely processed that information, our lives were changed. We were forced to let go of a lot of dreams and goals. They were replaced by a completely different life than we could ever imagine. Ten years ago I would have never been able to predict the things we have gone through and where we are now. It has defined us spiritually, emotionally, financially, and every possible way you can imagine. It has impacted our relationship with God, career choices, friendships, and relationships with family members. I can't think of any part of our life it has not changed. It devastates me to see my daughter suffer, but at the same time I love my life and family. And without autism this is not the life I would have. I guess there is a reason we don't see those moments coming. If we did we would probably run from them and in the process miss so many things that God has planned for us to experience.

Sleep or Happiness - which would you choose?

So Ashley has done so well on the enzymes and we are so excited about the changes in almost every area of her life - except one - she still doesn't sleep. After another trip to the doctor, we decided to try a new medicine, an anti-depressant that helps with sleep. Now we know we have to start with tiny doses and work our way up or Ashley will react. So the first night we gave her 1/4 of the dose and everything was great. She went to sleep easily and stayed asleep. The next two nights it made her hyper. So I called the doctor and we decided to push to the actual full dose. Now her sleep is much better, however every other night she gets up at 5:00 in the morning. Now I know my dad would have considered that a good wake up time, but I consider it the middle of the night. And to top it all off she is highly cranky a lot of the day and very aggressive at school this past week. Am I really going to have to choose between sleep and happiness for my child??? I have another call into the doctor, hopefully he is prepared with a great plan!

Hailey is growing up!

We had one of those nights last night! All three of the kids got up in the middle of the night and woke me up for various reasons. Although the sleep has been much better, I'm not sure if we will ever get completely past these nights. Hopefully they will just become less often. Needless to say I was not that enthusiastic about getting up and getting everybody ready for school. When I finally did stumble out of bed - only slightly late. I immediately ran into Hailey in the kitchen completely dressed and eating her breakfast. She had the supplies next to her for me to fix her hair. She had already done her chores and taken her medicine. She was very proud of herself, as was I. Her biggest concern was had she been quiet enough to not wake anybody. Now I know this was just one day and tomorrow I will probably have to drag her out of bed or remind her to get her stuff done. But today I am impressed with my eight year old daughter. And today we had time for a full devotional before school and Josh and Hailey left for school thirty minutes before it would start. It also gives me hope that if she can do it once, eventually she will do it daily with no reminders The only problem is I was still responsible for Ashley and myself and we were a little late.

Ashley and Digestive Enzymes

Years ago when we first started noticing concerns with Ashley, we immediately started looking for any treatment we could find. I was constantly researching autism and the many different treatments out there. I have heard of hundreds of different treatments over the years. They include dietary, medical, homeopathic, and educational interventions. There is always something that has helped some child with autism somewhere. We desperately tried over forty different treatments with Ashley in a three year period. Some seemed to help slightly and some made things worse. They were all expensive and most required huge sacrifice on our part or for Ashley. It always seemed worth any cost if it had a chance of helping us to get our baby back. I have read books and talked to other parents who have seen amazing success with some of these treatments. For us and Ashley that miracle never came. But a different miracle came we learned to accept Ashley and our life as it was. We have been content and happy with our life and our family, even though it includes a child with severe autism. We stopped almost all the treatments that were experimental and focused on her education. But every few months I get a call, letter, or email from someone talking about a new treatment. We always listen to it and possibly research it, but now we have a criteria we use before we jump on it. The criteria: first we pray, then we consider the source, we research it further and discuss it with professionals. Then after all of that, if it is not going to involve a huge lifestyle change and if it is affordable in our budget without any debt; we will try it. In the last five years nothing has met our criteria; so we have not tried any different or experimental treatments. However a couple of months ago we received information on digestive enzymes that fit our criteria, so we decided to give it a try. I didn't have a lot of hope that it would be effective because we have been down this road before, many times, and have been badly burned. But we started the enzymes a month ago and to our amazement, they seem to be greatly helping. We started out giving her an enzymes a couple of times a day before she ate. Now we are giving her enzymes before she eats anything. She is so much happier than she has been in years. She is calmer and more focused. She is having very few meltdowns and her self-injury has significantly decreased. Everybody, who spends any time with her, has noticed a remarkable difference. She is more affectionate, her eye contact is better, she is more verbal, and using her talker more. The only thing that has not improved is her sleep. We are so excited and praise God for such wonderful changes!

Doesn't Life Ever Get Calmer Than This?

For seven years now I have been saying "I'm going to get caught up as soon as things calm down." Somehow in these past seven years things NEVER calm down. A few years ago I gave up believing things were going to calm down tomorrow or next week; however in the back of my mind I always thought someday things would get calmer, but now I have my doubts. For me, things began to get hectic when we had two children two and under and were dealing with autism, and then my life spun completely out of control when we had three children, three and under with special needs. But I always believed it was a temporary busyness that would someday subside. Here we are seven years later and life is almost just as chaotic. Obviously some of the chaos I have created for myself. I choose to clean, play games with my kids, get on the computer,and go to Bible study. I really do not feel that I choose to constantly go to doctors appointments due to the weird medical issues that constantly surround our children. Since the beginning of this year alone we have had 4 ER visits due to injuries(yes we do childproof and supervise our children), 2 minor surgeries, and 5 out of town doctor appointments, so I think I have an argument that some time issues just happen to me regardless of planning. However, I just stopped home schooling, one would think I would have all sorts of time to fill, but no, I'm just as busy. The only difference is I'm not as far behind. Now I am considering taking a temporary job which sounds completely crazy, even to me, but I know our budget would really benefit. So I guess it is just a matter of priorities and maybe I do create some of my own chaos. Time is supposed to be the great equalizer- regardless of age, race, income, or life circumstances- we all have the same amount of time. I may actually have more time than most; since it is almost impossible to live with our children and ever sleep! We live in a society where people compete for who can appear to be the most busy. That makes me a little sad. I think we could all benefit from a little rest and down time. It is even Biblical - God wants us to rest! I really hope to one day make down time a way of life. For now, I'm going to strive to rest in the middle of the chaos, since it is not going to disappear any time soon.

Lessons In Love

My husband and I have never really been into celebrating Valentine's Day. It seems kind of silly to have a day to celebrate love. I mean shouldn't we always celebrate love. Then our oldest daughter, Ashley, was born on Valentine's Day so it shifted from a romantic holiday to Ashley's birthday. At the time she was born it seemed so sweet. The pretty little baby girl born on the day of pink hearts, flowers, and love. Two years later when she became autistic, I found it a little ironic that my daughter, who struggles with human relationships, was born on Valentine's Day. Now that she is ten years old, I see how appropriate a birthday it really is for Ashley. Ashley teaches us more about love than anyone I know. She teaches us about true love that lasts. She teaches us about the love that God wants us to have. The love that is talked about in 1 Corinthians 13. Love that is patient, kind, hopeful, and enduring. She teaches us that love is an action not a feeling. We love her daily even when she can't give anything back and even when we don't feel like it because we are too tired and frustrated. She keeps no record of our wrongs. Our family has learned both how to hope and how to endure from Ashley. She teaches us all about unconditional love and what that truly means. We have learned how to love her and each other on the good days and the bad days. I choose to love her when she laughs and hugs me and to love her when she bites herself when she sees me. I see it in the people around us as well. Nothing shows a person's true heart and character better than how they respond to a person who may possibly never be able to give anything in return. Ashley teaches us to be more patient and to love each other more. Through raising Ashley we realize what really is important in life. There are people that look at Ashley and other people like Ashley and think that they are unaware of whether they are loved and how they are treated. But they are aware and more importantly God is aware of how we treat each other, even the least of these. Now I see God gave Ashley the perfect birthday to go with the message she has for us.
Three things will last forever- faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Wonderful Moments

When my babies were born they seemed so cute and cuddly, but it was hard to really imagine them as real people. People with their own thoughts and opinions completely separate from me. Of course that comes quickly in the toddler years and there are days you really want them to not be "real people", but rather little robots you can control. But what fun would that be! Because along with all the frustrating, embarassing, and crazy moments that come are also the many times that I am truly in awe of the people they are becoming. It seems like the older they get the more often I see those wonderous moments. I think in some ways Josh and Hailey have an advantage. Living with a sister with severe special needs gives them a lot of opportunities to really show that love and compassion. I am always inspired by the absolute devotion they have for Ashley. But what is truly wonderful is they don't expect anything back or any reward for it. Yesterday, I went to the school to pick them all up and I was in Ashley's classroom talking with her teachers. Ashley started heading out to the van and then all of the sudden I see Josh race by the door in pursuit of Ashley. He carefully followed her to the car, picked up her boots that fell off, ran when she ran, helped her with the door, helped her get her stuff in the car, and when he knew she was settled; he went off to play. The only reaon I know is because I watched it all from the window. He never mentioned it until I asked. When Hailey got to the car she buckled Ashley's seatbelt and was asking her if she was okay and if her feet were cold since she walked through snow in socks. It is watching these moments unfold every day that help us through the trials of raising our children. I wonder if that is how God sees us? He could have made us obedient robots instead of giving us free will. Then he wouldn't have to witness the devastation that we do, but he also wouldn't enjoy those wonderful moments when we choose well.

Josh and The Cookies

We just keep having more fun with Josh. This is his night last night as best I can track it. He got up at some point between 1-3 am. Then he searched the kitchen for the cookies we made yesterday. I suspected this could happen since he eats during the night regularly, so I hid them in the oven. He found them and grabbed a handful. He then went to the easy chair with his handful of cookies and immediately fell asleep. While he slept with the cookies, they got crushed all over his body and the chair. Some time around 5:30 am, he decided to get in my bed! So I awoke this morning to a chair, a bed, and a child all covered with cookie and melted chocolate. And best of all he has no memory of any of it. He claims he ate one cookie in the kitchen. So I am left with a lot of cleaning and trying to decide is he lying or was he sleepwalking?? I'm inclined to believe he was sleepwalking because he rarely has any memory of his night activities good or bad and he is not much of a liar. He usually wants to share everything he has done good and bad. I guess we will wait for his confessions tonight when he says his prayers- that is always quite eye opening!

Busy in the New Year

The new year has been so busy. I always think I'm going to get so much accomplished when things calm down. Yet somehow things never calm down. We just go from one situation to the next. The kids are still sleeping poorly. Ashley had sinus surgery last week. The anticipation of the surgery was very stressful for us, but the surgery itself went very well. We are just praying that this solves a lot of her health problems. She has to go in for another minor procedure in two weeks. She is also currently really fighting a yeast infection ( due to all the antibiotics from the sinus infections). Josh had to be taken to the emergency room this week because he had a tiny paper cut (we think) that got infected. He got a streak going from his finger all the way up his arm and the whole finger and arm was swollen and hot. He had to miss the rest of the day of school and wrestling practice. We have to give him oral antibiotics four times daily for the next couple of weeks. Are you kidding me?? It was a paper cut. It didn't even bleed. He had a great time though. He got to miss school, go to the ER, get blood drawn, (For some reason my son loves getting shots and having blood drawn. I think it is for the prize in the end. He literally begs for a shot every time we go to the doctor.)and have lunch with Dad and Mom by himself. What a way to start the new year!