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A Picture of a Submissive Wife

The other day I participated in a discussion on facebook, that began innocently enough, but turned into a debate on many topics. I believe the core topic became the "submissive" wife. Of course, it is hard to accurately debate any topic using comments on facebook, and the person who began the post, wisely removed it. However, it got me thinking about the wide array of beliefs expressed and the emotions behind them. I am always surprised by this divide among Christians. As I continued to ponder the topic, I decided the divide may be more about the images conjured up in people's minds when terms like "submissive wife" and "feminist" arise in conversation. For example, when I say I believe in the Biblical example of the "submissive wife", the image that comes to your mind, may be this: A small woman, barefoot and pregnant, standing in the kitchen, holding a toddler, with bruises on her body from the last time her husband beat her. I have to say that is not the image I see, and I, also, am totally repulsed by that image, as I'm sure most people are. And when I say I am against "feminists", you need to see the image that I have. My image reveals a woman so set on proving she is just as good or better than any man that she tramples over everyone in her path, pushing them down and degrading them as she climbs to the top. My feminist sets aside common courtesy and is just plain rude and unpleasant, for fear of looking weak. If that is not your view of a feminist maybe this is a big part of the debate. We are not debating the same image. Before I go any further, let me just explain, I am absolutely for women's rights and education. I wholeheartedly feel many woman are just as intelligent or more intelligent, than many men. I am college educated, worked before I had kids, and had planned to return to work when my kids started school, until I had children that needed me full-time. I exercise my right to vote and am thankful to the people- men and women- who fought for that right. I believe every family should be able to choose for itself whether the mother will work or stay home, based on what is best for that particular family. Just as every family should also be able to make decisions about religion,education, activities, etc. based on what is best for that family. There is no one perfect way and anyone who believes there is should take a closer look at the Bible.
I do, however, believe that the attitude that prevailed after the feminist movement, has largely and negatively affected our society. I believe many women and men were so caught up in the fight between each other, they forgot about their family and home. Many children were neglected, their needs were not met, and they were left to raise themselves. Many of those children turned to drugs, alcohol, etc. Those parents felt a lot of guilt, and we as a society ended up with a couple of generations of very spoiled, self-indulgent, selfish people, who were not taught values or much else. That is not the working women I see now though. I think women feel less need to prove themselves in their working role, they are much more balanced, and men have learned to work with them to create a healthy work - family balance. The working moms I know today are able to do their jobs, and go above and beyond the call to meet the needs of their children. There is a difference in being assertive versus being aggressive, and being a strong woman versus being overbearing.
When I think of a submissive wife, I see the woman described in Proverbs 31. She is diligent and works hard to put the needs of her family, above her own. I encourage and support my husband. I also challenge him, argue with him, and tell him when he is wrong. But I would like to believe I do it with respect. Just as he respects me. We attempt to compromise. There are times I get my way and times he gets his way. But if it comes down to we cannot agree, he has a 51% vote, to my 49% vote, because in the end I know he loves me and wants what is best for our family. And someone has to have 51% sometimes, because 50/50 doesn't always work. There are times he hands that 51% to me because he trusts me. I don't think anyone, who knows me, would call me weak or incapable; but I hope some would call me submissive, or at least acknowledge that I try.
When people think of the "submissive wife", I think they forget about the other verses in the Bible that come before and after that verse. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. In the perfect marriage described by Christ it shouldn't be a big deal to submit to your husband, because he loves you as Christ loves the church. If he is loving me like that, I don't need to argue. Does my husband always love me like Christ loved the church? Absolutely not. Am I, the perfect submissive wife? No way. We are human and we mess it up all the time. But as Christians, it is certainly a goal to strive to reach. The Bible speaks about this in many places. We should choose to do it for Christ, our spouse just reaps the benefit. But it is a very difficult balance to keep, and nearly impossible, if both husband and wife are not committed to fulfilling their role.
So if we are on opposite sides of this debate,maybe, just maybe, my definition of a submissive wife is closer to your definition of a "feminist" or "ideal woman", than either my vision of a "feminist" or your vision of a "submissive wife" But if not I guess we just have to agree to disagree. Because the Bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourself (Mark 12:31) and to not get involved in foolish arguments (Titus 3:9).

The Rest of the Story

After Monday's post, I've been asked if the good day and the good sleep continued, so I'm going to share the rest of the story. For the most part, I try to keep these posts pretty positive, but things are not always great. I want to be honest in these posts. I started the blog to help people who have special needs kids to feel less alone, and to give other people a glimpse of what it is like to have a child with special needs. If I'm not completely honest about the whole picture, than it won't meet the purpose for which I started it. All three kids continued to have an excellent day, Monday, it was pretty close to a perfect, average day at our house. Monday night Josh did get up several times in the night, so there went our sleep. Tuesday started out okay, and then drastically changed. I got a call from Josh's case manager, the school had called her, because Josh was banging his head and threatening to kill himself. This is not new to our family; we have dealt with these behaviors many times over the years. It is, however, always devastating, scary and overwhelming. It is part of the bipolar symptoms that he has. He has dramatic mood swings with very little triggers. We spent the day dealing with him and his behaviors. The next day he was back to normal, not perfect, but not terrible. I have made many calls, had school meetings, and done a lot of research since Tuesday. I think we have come up with a workable plan to diffuse the situation and Josh. We have a lot of peace and hope for what the future holds for him and our family. Because above all else- God has a perfect plan for our lives.

Precious Sleep

So I have a list of topics I would like to get around to writing about, however, today I am thinking about - sleep! All three of my children slept through the night last night and so did I! Not only that, but they all fell asleep happily and easily, then they stayed asleep. This is a pretty rare occurence in our house. You would think at their ages (7, 9, and 11) poor sleep would be a thing of the past, but it is not. And I just have to say 11 years into not sleeping, it is getting very tiring. Ashley stays up late, gets up early, and occasionally gets up in the middle of the night, sometimes all three. Hailey is most known for staying up really late, but may get up in the middle of the night. Josh usually falls asleep easily, every now and then he gives a good fight, but almost always gets up in the middle of the night - many, many times a night. Last night Josh fell asleep during his devotional reading and was asleep in the same place, when I woke him up this morning. On top of the wonderful night of sleep, everybody was in a decent mood this morning. Well to be honest the girls moods weren't that great, but Josh more than made up for them. Evidently when you get up 4- 10 times a night, you don't wake up in that great of a mood- ever. By not great, I mean he wakes up angry and defiant, arguing with everyone in sight, right up until his medication takes affect, an hour later. I am usually exhausted and relieved by the time he goes to school. But today he was wonderful, I saw a glimpse of the boy he could be, if he slept! Now I realize that tonight most likely someone will be up, that is not pessimism, but years of experience talking. But for today the verse that comes to mind is - This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
It is amazing how something so simple and natural can change your whole outlook. I will cherish today, who knows when it will happen again. If I got to sleep every night, it wouldn't be nearly so exciting.

God is love

Today my little girl turns eleven!!! I guess really she is not a little girl any more. I was just looking at a picture of her when she was a few days old. It seems like just yesterday she was my beautiful little baby girl, and now we are closing in on teenage years. Since Ashley's birthday falls on Valentine's day, last year I wrote about Ashley and what she has taught us about love. I wrote about how I learned the true meaning of the 1 Corinthians 13 type of love through raising Ashley. This year I want to write about what having Ashley in my life has taught me about other people. Having a child like Ashley has taught us so many things in life and changed our family so completely. So often you hear all the negative things about people. You hear how mean and unkind people can be to each other. We have certainly had our experiences of being hurt by people's reactions to Ashley. But for every bad experince, we have had many wonderful experinces. I have seen so many people go out of their way to be kind to Ashley and our family. I have seen great empathy, patience, and kindness to Ashley. We have had so many teachers, doctors, therapists, friends, and even strangers who have gone out of their way and reached out to her and us. There is no way we could ever begin to name or even count the many people who have touched our lives through Ashley. All the way from the passing comments made by strangers, that I will always carry in my heart, to the people who have spent years working with her. The Bible tells us we can see God through the people around us, I have certainly found that to be true. And God is love 1 John 4:8.

Bye-bye Blanket

It always amazes me how some things that you brace yourself for expecting difficulties can go so smooth and easy, while other things that should be simple can become very complicated. The past few weeks Ashley has had to make some adjustments that we thought would be difficult. She is having to give up carrying her pillow and blanket. Her blanket is identical to the one we got for her as a baby. It has been replaced many times over the years. Actually we have 2 pillows and 2 blankets, so she never has to go without it. We started out as good parents who required her to leave the blanket at home, but some how through the years it started going to the car and every public place imaginable, and then she added the pillow. We joked that she just was so tired from not sleeping- ever- that she had to always be prepared in case she did decide to sleep. Unfortunately it is not really appropriate for an almost eleven year old to carry a pillow and blanket, so we are taking care of this problem. The best way to break a bad habit, is to replace it with something appropriate. We are trying to replace the pillow and blanket with a silk scarf. It is still soft and can be comforting, but also appropriate for an adult to have. It also can easily fit into a purse or pocket. We braced ourselves for the worst the first time she had to leave it at home and she handled it beautifully. The teachers at school really helped her ease into the transition, by letting her have it less and less at school Her teacher even rode the bus with her the first week without it in case she had a meltdown, but she never even cried. She did try to sneak it out the door a couple times, but that's just Ashley. This weekend she went out of town to a wrestling tournament all day without it. And she did great, she did try to steal a friend's pillow and blanket, but no major upset. At lunch she started asking for it, but didn't get upset. When we got home she was holding both blankets by the time I walked in the door. If I'd known it would be this easy, we would have done this a long time ago.

Maternal Guilt

I have to confess, I absoutely hate snow days. I really, truly with all my heart want to be one of those mothers that celebrates snow days, and is excited for the extra time with my children. But honestly, right now, I am not that mother. I dread the call from the school saying it will be closed. I look forward to sending my kids off to school each day. For the record, I also look forward to getting them back at the end of the day. During those precious few hours, I can get a lot accomplished. I can work, catch up on things, relax, and I can prepare myself to be a better mom when they get home. Of course, when I look on facebook and see all those "good mothers" who are excited to have their kids home with them I do feel a lot of guilt about my attitude. This past week, we had a snow day. I started the day with a bad attitude because my plans for the day were ruined, then I decided to try and be a better mom and relish the extra time with my kids. We did have a good time. I agreed to a stuffed animal birthday party, complete with cake. Then I was rewarded for my efforts when a friend took Hailey and Josh away for several hours, while I had my own playtime. I got nothing accomplished that day, but in the end we all had a good time.
However, my guilt over not relishing snow days got me thinking about all the things I feel guilty about as a mother. There is a huge long list! Overall, I believe I am a good mother and that I do the best I can. But I feel so much guilt over so many things involving my children. A lot of those things I can't even control. I feel guilty that Ashley has autism. I feel bad that we can't give them more of pretty much everything- God, money, time, education, etc. I feel guilty about all their medical problems. The list goes on and on; it is never ending. And from what I hear most moms feel the same guilt I do, just with their own little twist. In short, we all spend a lot of time feeling bad that we are not perfect, we can't give our kids perfect lives, and that life is not perfect. I guess it is something that we never completely escape. And it is always good to strive to be and do better, but my goal is to try and keep all that guilt in its place. I'm going to try to remember that I can only do my best and that carrying around irrational guilt certainly doesn't make the situation any better. As I was pondering all of this, several Bible verses were brought to mind:
Jesus answered, "What is humanly impossible is possible for God." Luke 18:27
Let us throw off everything that hinders.... and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1
My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct, your love, faith, and purity. 1 Timothy 4:12
Let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

Each of these verses appeared in my devotions this week. It always amazes me how our God can lead us right to what we need to see. What I got from these verses is: Only God is perfect, but he calls us to complete the purpose he has given us, with his help. And as long as we are trying to do that, his grace will help us and we will bring him glory. It is our job to set a good example, bring glory to God, not give up, and not distract ourselves with guilt.

Chaotic Times

It is always my goal to write more often than I do, but things happen so fast around here, it is hard to keep up with everything going on in our lives. We began the new year first with Ashley being injuried, then Josh was sick for a week, Ashley broke her talker and then the next week the girls were very sick. This is my first week with everyone back in school. Now I'm looking around trying to decide whether to take a break or get caught up on all the things that need to be done. I think I'm going to try for a combination of both. I'm thankful everyone is recovered now and hoping we are finished with illness and injuries for awhile.
Even through all the chaos the children had several exciting things happen. Hailey participated in a winter swim meet and did very well. She came home very excited, after placing in several events and winning the backstroke. Then the next week she placed 2nd in the district Hoop Shoot. Josh has been to several wrestling tournaments. He placed 2nd and 3rd in his bracket at the first two tournaments. The last tournament didn't go so well, but he is in a harder age group this year. A lot of good lessons can be learned from not winning. He will have to go back and work harder. Ashley handled her talker being broke pretty well, however we were so thankful when the loaner came in the mail. She has really been maturing lately, maybe it is because she will be eleven next month. She has stopped taking her blanket and pillow to school and her behaviors are much better. Last week she lost her first molar. This is the first tooth loss in which she was obviously aware. It was a little funny because she wanted me to put it back in her mouth. She has made more of an effort to interact with people around her. For the first time she is really showing an interest in computers. She is using her talker much more than she used to and using complete sentences. When she broke her talker, she apologized. That is the first time I have seen her express true remorse and take responsibility for her actions. It is so exciting to watch her grow so much.
While parenthood is highly stressful, it is also a lot of fun to watch them grow and mature, both in their successes and the things that don't work out so well. I can't even imagine what they will throw at us next, but- I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13