A Picture of a Submissive Wife

The other day I participated in a discussion on facebook, that began innocently enough, but turned into a debate on many topics. I believe the core topic became the "submissive" wife. Of course, it is hard to accurately debate any topic using comments on facebook, and the person who began the post, wisely removed it. However, it got me thinking about the wide array of beliefs expressed and the emotions behind them. I am always surprised by this divide among Christians. As I continued to ponder the topic, I decided the divide may be more about the images conjured up in people's minds when terms like "submissive wife" and "feminist" arise in conversation. For example, when I say I believe in the Biblical example of the "submissive wife", the image that comes to your mind, may be this: A small woman, barefoot and pregnant, standing in the kitchen, holding a toddler, with bruises on her body from the last time her husband beat her. I have to say that is not the image I see, and I, also, am totally repulsed by that image, as I'm sure most people are. And when I say I am against "feminists", you need to see the image that I have. My image reveals a woman so set on proving she is just as good or better than any man that she tramples over everyone in her path, pushing them down and degrading them as she climbs to the top. My feminist sets aside common courtesy and is just plain rude and unpleasant, for fear of looking weak. If that is not your view of a feminist maybe this is a big part of the debate. We are not debating the same image. Before I go any further, let me just explain, I am absolutely for women's rights and education. I wholeheartedly feel many woman are just as intelligent or more intelligent, than many men. I am college educated, worked before I had kids, and had planned to return to work when my kids started school, until I had children that needed me full-time. I exercise my right to vote and am thankful to the people- men and women- who fought for that right. I believe every family should be able to choose for itself whether the mother will work or stay home, based on what is best for that particular family. Just as every family should also be able to make decisions about religion,education, activities, etc. based on what is best for that family. There is no one perfect way and anyone who believes there is should take a closer look at the Bible.
I do, however, believe that the attitude that prevailed after the feminist movement, has largely and negatively affected our society. I believe many women and men were so caught up in the fight between each other, they forgot about their family and home. Many children were neglected, their needs were not met, and they were left to raise themselves. Many of those children turned to drugs, alcohol, etc. Those parents felt a lot of guilt, and we as a society ended up with a couple of generations of very spoiled, self-indulgent, selfish people, who were not taught values or much else. That is not the working women I see now though. I think women feel less need to prove themselves in their working role, they are much more balanced, and men have learned to work with them to create a healthy work - family balance. The working moms I know today are able to do their jobs, and go above and beyond the call to meet the needs of their children. There is a difference in being assertive versus being aggressive, and being a strong woman versus being overbearing.
When I think of a submissive wife, I see the woman described in Proverbs 31. She is diligent and works hard to put the needs of her family, above her own. I encourage and support my husband. I also challenge him, argue with him, and tell him when he is wrong. But I would like to believe I do it with respect. Just as he respects me. We attempt to compromise. There are times I get my way and times he gets his way. But if it comes down to we cannot agree, he has a 51% vote, to my 49% vote, because in the end I know he loves me and wants what is best for our family. And someone has to have 51% sometimes, because 50/50 doesn't always work. There are times he hands that 51% to me because he trusts me. I don't think anyone, who knows me, would call me weak or incapable; but I hope some would call me submissive, or at least acknowledge that I try.
When people think of the "submissive wife", I think they forget about the other verses in the Bible that come before and after that verse. Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. In the perfect marriage described by Christ it shouldn't be a big deal to submit to your husband, because he loves you as Christ loves the church. If he is loving me like that, I don't need to argue. Does my husband always love me like Christ loved the church? Absolutely not. Am I, the perfect submissive wife? No way. We are human and we mess it up all the time. But as Christians, it is certainly a goal to strive to reach. The Bible speaks about this in many places. We should choose to do it for Christ, our spouse just reaps the benefit. But it is a very difficult balance to keep, and nearly impossible, if both husband and wife are not committed to fulfilling their role.
So if we are on opposite sides of this debate,maybe, just maybe, my definition of a submissive wife is closer to your definition of a "feminist" or "ideal woman", than either my vision of a "feminist" or your vision of a "submissive wife" But if not I guess we just have to agree to disagree. Because the Bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourself (Mark 12:31) and to not get involved in foolish arguments (Titus 3:9).